Skippress - Index

Skippress - US Vol. 7 No. 2 - Index

MOUNTAIN GIRL BY BETH JAHNIGEN
Illustration: Zela Lobb
When it comes to teaching your sweetie how to
ski, even a HazMat suit won’t protect you. Beth
Jahnigen knows how to stay safe — don’t do it!
To distract me from the impending pain of the hair being ripped from my
fl esh, the girl who waxed my eyebrows (as well as other parts of my body)
entertained me with the tribulations she and her husband were going through
building their new house.
The only part I later recalled — while I was recovering from the ordeal at
Happy Hour — was her lament: “Someone once told me, ‘Build a house,
lose a spouse,’ and I really wish I’d listened.”
At that point in my life, the advice didn’t mean much. Fast-forward two years:
I’m a homeowner and in a serious relationship. When my boyfriend and I
started talking about renovating our Colorado condo ourselves, it seemed like
a great idea.
What happened next makes a Brazilian bikini wax seem like a day at the
beach… complete with a hot cabana boy.
During the renovation process, I discovered my loving, sensitive boyfriend
was also a bossy know-it-all who felt obliged to direct me through such
complicated tasks as holding a screwdriver.
And that’s when my waxer’s words started to mean something... and when I
realized that the only activity worse for a relationship than home improvements
is teaching your honey-bunny how to ski.
Danger
AVOID THE
Z ones
Taking the one you love, wearing poorly fi tted rental gear, out on the mountain
in the freezing cold is, relationship-wise, a short run off a steep slope.
But if you do decide to teach your little pooh-bear yourself, you have two
options: Hands-On or Hands-Off.
Hands-On consists of fi lling their helmet with phrases like ‘parallel turn’ and
‘pole plant,’ then yelling unfathomable commands when they’re scared as
hell. At best, you’ll come off as a cocky jerk. At worst, you’ll be single before
the bar opens.
What happened next makes getting
a Brazilian bikini wax seem like
a day at the beach…
The Hands-Off approach assumes that your lovey-dovey can ‘do it’ despite
their lack of experience. Your confi dence in them may win you points at the
outset, but when you get on the hill and force them to fend for themselves
— big trouble. They’ll loudly curse your name the whole way down as they
slide to the bottom on their butt.
Either way, if he/she stays with you, they are either really stupid, completely
brain-dead or legitimately in love with you… which does not exclude the fi rst
two scenarios.
So, if you love the one you’re with, don’t go there. Hire a painter, hire an
electrician and for god’s sake, hire a ski instructor. It’s so worth it.
24 THE TRAVEL ISSUE 2008 more mountain girl on skipressworld.com